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I was a professional juggler for like five years and all of my friends politely pretend it never happened.
Sometimes I will be holding three or more similarly sized objects and they will all shoot me the kind of warning glances typically reserved for cats who are about to swipe a fresh and crispy fish stick from a small child’s hand.
I gaze wistfully at a basket of apples and they all think, “Don’t you FUCKING dare,” so hard that I take psychic damage.
The fact of the matter is that sometimes staying closeted for your own safety isn’t just about fear of physical violence. Sometimes it’s because you don’t think that you could handle the rejection, judgement, and/or emotional abuse that could come with coming out. Sometimes it’s because you don’t know what coming out would entail and you’re scared to find out. Staying closeted (with everyone or with some people) is your choice. Put your wellbeing above all else. I love you, stay safe.
Is not: “what happened?” “Why are you in a wheelchair?” *opens door you were opening yourself* *grabs your bag from you to carry it*
Is: *giving you a canned drink at no extra charge as it’s easier to carry than a cup* *asking “do you need help” before barging in* *intervening when witnessing ableism* *making your work install a ramp* *moving out of the goddamned way while holding a door open*
I don’t know what to do though, I saw a woman in an electric wheelchair struggling to get up a curb. I asked her politely if she needed a little help and she snapped back “no I’m fucking fine leave me alone”. So like, do you *actually* want us to ask, or are you just saying that?
I mean yeah. Ask.
But I was always taught never to ask a yes/no question where I wouldn’t be willing to accept “no” as an answer because that’s not really a fair question.
Accept that your perception of her “struggle” was skewed, she didn’t need or want help and move on with your day. I can assure you she would have been even MORE pissed off if you had just grabbed her wheelchair to “help” without asking first.
Honestly, if a wheelchair user actually wants help… they’ll ask you.
Thanks for the info.
She was literally stuck, like high centered on her wheelchair. My perception wasn’t skewed, she was really struggling. And when she snapped back I just smiled and said okay and walked away. I’m not going to push the subject. But I don’t know how to ask without asking a yes/no question. Do you need help? Are you in need of assistance? Do you need a sighted guide? How else can one ask a yes/no question?
You misunderstand me. I don’t mean that you’re wrong to ask a yes no question. I mean that you’re wrong to assume the answer will be always be yes.
She didn’t want your help.
If you read my post again you’ll notice that I said that it was good disability politics to ask if wheelchair users need help before just barging in and helping.
That doesn’t mean you ask as a prelude to helping when it’s not wanted regardless of their answer. It means you don’t help when it’s not wanted. Asking is a way to find that out. It should not offend you or surprise you to hear that actually, help isn’t required. That’s why you ask, to check if your assessment of them needing help is accurate.
In this case not only did she not need or want help but she was also sick and tired of people jumping in and asking her if she needed help. This is why I reiterate: if a wheelchair user wants help they will ask.
I want you to understand her reaction a little more.
I can’t count how many times my powerchair has skidded slightly on a ramp or stalled, or got caught on a kerb (which is perfectly normal and I know how to manage) and within nanoseconds a “helpful” stranger has asked me if I want help. I once screamed and swore directly in the face of someone who grabbed my chair to “help” me while on a ramp because 3 other people (one after the other) had literally just stopped and asked if I needed help and I’d had to stop actually solving my problem to coddle and reassure these strangers that I didn’t need help so I could get them to move out of the bloody way so that I had safe space to manoeuvre myself out of the situation without running them over.
Honestly, I spend so much time in my life making sure it doesn’t look like I might need help from people because it’s so annoying.
Examples:
- Once while checking my phone at a bus stop in a manual chair a woman just wheeled me onto a bus. I stopped her and asked what the hell she was doing and she was offended and said “helping you!!” It was not my bus.
- Often while waiting for friends on the pavement if I’m angled towards the street too far cars will just stop, assuming I want to cross. I’ve had cars scare me shitless by beeping their horns at me to let me know that they are kindly allowing me to cross a street I have no intention of crossing. I now always deliberately angle away or make sure I look busy to stop this.
- I was once in my chair, with headphones in, on my laptop, which was plugged into a power supply. I was intently focussed on my touch typing exercises. Someone stopped and spoke to me and I had to pause what I was doing, remove my headphones and ask what they wanted. “Do you need any help?” they asked.
-if I am ever parked in my wheelchair anywhere and am staring into the middle distance, within minutes someone will point to something near me and ask if I need help. I now always look at my phone if I’m stationary because it’s so stressful.
-if I ever stop anywhere it can’t be near a door or someone will open it “for” me
- I can’t linger too long anywhere in a supermarket or browse the upper shelves because someone will ask me if I need help with anything. This happens in every single aisle
- I mustn’t pause anywhere if there’s something in front of my chair that’s closer than about a metre away or people will jump up and move the thing. This includes instructing other people to move out of my way (even if I wasn’t going that way to begin with)
It’s so fucking exhausting being so micromanaged by abled-bodied people. People who haven’t got the slightest clue what someone who actually wants help looks like. People who actively make my life more difficult by jumping the gun and interfering.
So yes. Don’t just grab our chairs or open doors for us without asking if that’s what we want. But more than that. Listen if we say no. Don’t take it as an opening to a conversation. Understand that it’s extremely irritating to be asked the same question a million times a day. And understand that if we snap it’s because we’re sick and tired of the same thing happening a million times a day. And remember…
If a wheelchair user needs help we will ask.
Also, if we DO accept your help, we are not then obligated to tell you our life story/medical story. Don’t help someone and then ask what’s wrong with them or why they’re using mobility aids. Just go about the rest of your day please.
On another note, what able-bodied people probably don’t realize is how repetitive it gets. You may see, say, one visibly disabled person a week, but for us it’s our entire lives. You might be the fifth person to ask if we “need help” that day. We might be in intense pain and have no energy or patience to explain things to a complete stranger. We might be dealing with a medical emergency that we are perfectly capable of dealing with ourselves, but we get distracted by “good Samaritans” hovering over us and asking what’s wrong.
It’s nothing personal if we reject your help or get irritated, but PLEASE listen to disabled people and respect that we are not helpless members of society, and if you don’t listen to us, you may do more harm than good.
here’s a picture of a baby cedar waxwing begging for food from a robin. neither of these species are nest parasites, so it’s not possible the cedar waxwing was ‘adopted’. this is essentially the bird version of tapping a random person on the shoulder at the grocery store and going “MOM”
white cis male film studies major who probably watches cinemasins: so you’re telling me you actually liked that movie??? you actually had a good time watching that piece of garbage???
me: yeah you see i have this rare medical condition called Occasionally I Enjoy Things,
SO IN THE NEW MBMBAM THEY GET AN AUDIENCE QUESTION FROM A GUY WHO’S BEEN INTO FIGURE SKATING FOR A WHILE AND GRIFFIN WITH AN AUDIBLE >:3C INTERRUPTS TO SAY “So you got into it two years ago… Was there a certain piece of media that had come out at that time…” AND THE GUY HAD TO SAY “LISTEN… Yeah.” CAN YOU IMAGINE GETTING CALLED OUT IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE FOR GETTING INTO FIGURE SKATING BECAUSE YOU’RE A WEEB
in fairness Griffin’s immediate response was “you’re my hero” and the crowd lost its mind
